August 27, 8:11 am
I am back at 720 Market Street, San Francisco for the third time this year, and the second time this summer. Not once have I entered this building with confidence. Something has always been missing, and today, its an appointment.
Not having an appointment means two things: one—I feel like I shouldn’t be here; that everyone is skeptical (and rightfully so) of my presence—and two—I’m automatically at the very back of the que: even if I’m next in line, if someone who has an appointment walks through the door, I’m back to last place.
I’ve gone through exams and essays, trials and tribulations, searched for apartments, summer jobs, and internships, and selected fruit for some of the most powerful culinary voices in the world, but nothing….nothing has been as stressful as this moment.
It’s not just about getting to or going to France. It’s about so much more: my worthiness as a cultural ambassador, as a french speaker, and as a cook/chef; my relationship with my partner, who now has to depart potentially weeks ahead of me; my adequacy to be able to achieve things I want to achieve. (to name a few, not to mention the ones that don’t even come to mind).
8:49 am
Waiting is not so hard when you aren’t hungry [as I was during previous instances of this ‘appointment’]. I suppose most things are easier on a full (but not overfull) stomach. I had overnight oats this morning on the way here. I was delighted to find my ratio to be exactly diled in (unlike those made by my brother throughout this summer); here is my new go-to ratio/recipe:
OVERNIGHT OATS
170 g nonfat greek yogurt
50 g milk
30g steel cut oats (dry)
10g hulled sesame seeds
60g mixed fruit
extracts/spices/sweeteners
mix in a jar or tupperware with a tight seal; let rest overnight (~12hrs)
yield: one serving
The stress is more than “will the ‘appointment’ work out this time?” — its a pool of anxiety composed of everything that could go wrong for the whole project. What if I’m not fluent enough? What if I lose the position? What if something happens between my partner and I? What if I hate it there? etc. Condensed to a formulae: What if something totally unexpected happens and everything collapses?
10:21 am
The website for France Visas is down. (holy hell). As a result, I am at a roadblock yet again. . . I cannot move forward until the 500 error has been resolved. Hopefully soon?
I wouldn’t even have this issue if anyone — the consule, the TLS visa office, DC, the FACC, the OFII, anyone! — would’ve given me some idea of what to even expect today, or at least given some instruction — e.g. “get a new visa applicaiton number” — in advance of my actually sitting in the TLS [the company that oversees obtaining a French Visa] waiting room.
[an aside:] s/o to the TLS staff. I could imagine that this is one hell of a thankless and mentally-taxing job. Not only having to be the middleground between the horrible French beurocracy and the slightly better American system, but also having to deal with some of the top horrors of the customer service world (i.e., people who are impatient and have already waited multiple hours for their appointment they booked months ago usually don’t like being told they didn’t bring the exact correct documents at least based on the interactinos I have seen at 720 Market St). Still, they have managed to take care of me all three times & made me feel okay/seen even amidst the anxiety and uncertainty. Special thanks too to the SF security guard for lending me his hotspot, that was so freaking clutch dude, you’re the best.
10:57am
francevisas.gouv.fr is down everywhere. Not only did I get screwed, but so did everyone else in this place (including TLS), and everyone in every French Visa office accross the globe. Chaos is about to spill into the anxiety pool. Unless, that is, French IT can really lock in.
3:06pm
The site is still down, and this just became “day one” of my third attempt at this.
The afternoon wasn’t so bad. . . I got to leave the TLS office for a walk, and do a few things I really hoped I’d be able to while here in the city. The first was visiting Loquat, a Jewish-style bakery/cafe where halva is served in lieu of sugar cubes (yea, I think enough said if you know my deal).
Then—and more importantly—I got to hang out with one of my best friends (who happens to live nearby in SF) for one last time before I (hopefully) leave. Plus, I got to see his crazy SF house, riffle through his retired clothes, and see his awesome new vintage bike
Then too, like some kind of omen, I stumbled on the farmers’ market on the way back to the car
.
August 28
5:41 am
It’s back online.
I didn’t sleep very well.
6:28 am
My application [which is what I needed francevisas.gouv.fr for] is printed and we’re on the road again. We had to stay overnight in Belmont with some relatives (who luckily live only 40 minutes away) after spending almost all day in the city. Today’s breakfast is an improvised overnight oats I hastily assembled after a quick Safeway stop last night
OVERNIGHT OATS II (improvised)
1 container (51g) Bob’s Red Mill Classic Oatmeal Cup
1 container (150g)Oikos Banana Crème Greek Yogurt
1 container (150g) Oikos Vanilla Greek Yogurt *
same as before: mix in a jar or tupperware with a tight seal, and let rest overnight (~12hrs)
yield: one serving
*note: oikos was not my first choice of yogurt (je n’aime pas les “édulcorants artificiels”), this was an act of desparation
7:26 am
My mom, huge s/o to her too. Even though she has far less of a stake in all this than I do, she’s surely been sharing in the stress, and on top of that, she’s been driving me aorund, taking care of me, and helping me though the whole thing. I don’t give her enough credit. Yea, it’s annoying when she overcomplicates things and/or intervenes in my affairs without asking (which I’m thankful she has decided not to do on this particular trip), but I know she’s just trying to help. And she has helped me a lot today/yesterday.
Right now I’m sitting at Metropolitan Coffee, a cafe which shares the lobby beneath the TLS office, waiting until someone arrives to let me at 7:30. It’s the same thing I did yesterday. I am so afraid that it will be the same thing I do tommorow. I really really hope not.
8:13 am
It’s done! Somehow it’s done. In only 40 minutes, I’ve been processed and my documents have been sent.
When I went in, one of the TLS staff received me directly. “Where is the boy?” she shouted into the near-empty waiting room; obviously, they were expecting me today, because after entering the bosses office, they pretty much time-trialed the whole process to make sure it got done (again, major s/o to the TLS staff, you guys rock).
I guess I’m finally a “regular” somewhere, just never thought it would be at TLS Contact San Fransisco. I’m just so relieved to be done. I wanna go home.
8:32 am
I’m still stressed, but at least I finally got this crepe
I don’t think I’ll really be able to relax until I touch down at LYS, and I’m sure I’ll still be stressed for something even then. For now though, I’m just so happy I can go home, and that I (hopefully) never have to see in the inside of the TLS office ever again.
postscripts (August 28, 3:09pm)
The preceeding text was transcribed from physical journal entries written/collected over the past 31 hours. Certain details have been changed to protect the privacy of indivudals mentioned (i.e. names of friends, partner, etc.) and some additional context has been provided where necessary, notated via square brakets ([ ]).
I have decided to publish these journals for a variety of reasons, but I do not do so in search of pity, nor to lament/complain to a wider audience than just myself. I hope this account will highlight the way things have a way of working out, even when they look really freaking dire. Additionally, I especially wanted to call attention to the work of others—both strangers and familial—in supporting me and my goals; this was such a horrible freaking nightmare but without the efforts of the TLS staff, the team at the FACC (Franco-American Chamber of Commerce), my mom—as well as the emotional/psychological support of the rest of my family, my friends, and my partner—this would’ve actually been undoable. It’s really cool how people support other people, and its very inspiring to see it all zoomed out like this.
As of this writing, I still do not know when I am to re-receive my passport and/or when I will be arriving in France. Hopefully it will be next week, but only time will tell. For now, patience and gratitude will be my closest friends — I’ve come a long way on this (the 5 month mark from my first appointment at TLS is on Monday), but I’ve almost made it.
